**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
