in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize