I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
