so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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