when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
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