Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
