if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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