In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
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