ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
