At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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