By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Randomize
