hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
