The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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