she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
