she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
