I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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