my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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