Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
