Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
