the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
