When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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