Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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