They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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