the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
