How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
never play flip cup with pint glasses
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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