if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
