Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
