I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
