Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
