fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
