My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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