ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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