she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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