i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize