You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
