Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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