nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
