sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I deserve this hangover.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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