she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
