Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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