My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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