and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
