apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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