forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
