On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I didn't shave. On purpose
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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