Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
