I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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