Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
