Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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