It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Randomize
