if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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