i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
