Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Terrible idea I love it
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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