I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
