i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
