no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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