Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
